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Tammy the Briscoes lady plans my funeral

wearing withered garlands       black lace gown
heavy eyeshadow
she’s ready

a crowd of underpaid check out assistants
in desperate need                   of collective action
bang reasonably priced pots and pans together
I evaporate             through         the ceiling fan

 buy my coffin at Briscoes                   Tammy
    use what you can first
donate my kidneys to kitchen appliances
so everyone can see the Nutribullet 600 Series
        really is                The Original Nutrient Extractor

put my lungs on a display mattress               Tammy
let couples rest their heads briefly          pretend
this                  is what their relationship needs
when we all know                                what it needs is
a rethinking of its normative monogamous foundation
and a non-shamey discussion about           
     consensual choking                       and pegging

take my teeth out first             Tammy
forge the enamel into a ceremonial dinner plate
to pair               with the carved tibia cutlery

peel back my skin
mince it                 into pulp
make biodegradable circulars            then stick me
in every letterbox marked       ‘No Circulars’

I’m a marketing genius                        Tammy
let my dying act be your green tick certification
your                 corporate carbon credit tax write-off

that’s it                                     Tammy
tell me I’m                    less than the sum of my parts.
I’ve been a bad, bad               sack of biological possibilities

no one really gets to pick their own coffin
except me                                           obviously
because this               isn’t a poem
it’s a                                         legally binding contract

all the best lawyers are dead
they’ve been waiting hungry in hell
for a case just like this 

if you buy my coffin

from somewhere that doesn’t keep
batteries next to prostate cancer fundraising chocolate
or have a 10-day Christmas Extravaganza 

I’ll see you in court!

I’m ok with being scared         every day until it happens
it comes for us all                    Tammy

  loitering ethereally in the bedding section
haunting Egyptian cotton sheet sets
decent thread count                $19.99 (plus GST)
offer ends Sunday                Ts & Cs apply

- Jordan Hamel

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