Tammy the Briscoes lady plans my funeral
wearing withered garlands black lace gown
heavy eyeshadow
she’s ready
a crowd of underpaid check out assistants
in desperate need of collective action
bang reasonably priced pots and pans together
I evaporate through the ceiling fan
buy my coffin at Briscoes Tammy
use what you can first
donate my kidneys to kitchen appliances
so everyone can see the Nutribullet 600 Series
really is The Original Nutrient Extractor
put my lungs on a display mattress Tammy
let couples rest their heads briefly pretend
this is what their relationship needs
when we all know what it needs is
a rethinking of its normative monogamous foundation
and a non-shamey discussion about
consensual choking and pegging
take my teeth out first Tammy
forge the enamel into a ceremonial dinner plate
to pair with the carved tibia cutlery
peel back my skin
mince it into pulp
make biodegradable circulars then stick me
in every letterbox marked ‘No Circulars’
I’m a marketing genius Tammy
let my dying act be your green tick certification
your corporate carbon credit tax write-off
that’s it Tammy
tell me I’m less than the sum of my parts.
I’ve been a bad, bad sack of biological possibilities
no one really gets to pick their own coffin
except me obviously
because this isn’t a poem
it’s a legally binding contract
all the best lawyers are dead
they’ve been waiting hungry in hell
for a case just like this
if you buy my coffin
from somewhere that doesn’t keep
batteries next to prostate cancer fundraising chocolate
or have a 10-day Christmas Extravaganza
I’ll see you in court!
I’m ok with being scared every day until it happens
it comes for us all Tammy
loitering ethereally in the bedding section
haunting Egyptian cotton sheet sets
decent thread count $19.99 (plus GST)
offer ends Sunday Ts & Cs apply
- Jordan Hamel